What would you have done with me?

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If you had known about me, what would you have done with me? Would you have fought for me? Would you have wanted to let me go? Would you have wanted to hold me, even if just once before they took me away? All questions I ask my birth father in my mind.

He did not know about me, he was never given a chance to say “I will take her”. What if he would have wanted me? What if he would have had the chance to be a part of the decision to keep me or toss me away? I will always wonder what he would have done with me. I was his only girl, his one and only daughter. Would he have thought that was special? Would I have been his little princess? He wasn’t given a chance, and neither was I.

I can not stress enough how thankful I am for my adoptive parents, that’s not what this is about. But I will forever wonder what a natural, biological relationship would have been like with my birth parents, siblings, aunts/uncles and grandparents.

My birth father passed away several years ago. I never got to tell him he had a grandson. He never got to meet him, or hear him call him Papa. I never got to hug him. He never had a chance to see if I had his eyes. I will forever wonder what he smelled like, does my son have his laugh, do I have his smile. I will never have any of that. It was a right taken from us both. Someone else made that decision, she thought she was doing what was best I am sure. Doesn’t make it any easier though. I can never imagine not letting my son’s father know about him. I can never imagine taking away their right to a natural bond with one another.

I guess I am angry at her. I just don’t understand why she didn’t give us a chance to know each other, had that been what he wanted. I feel bad for him, I feel bad for me. There was a time when I had no desire to know about him when I found out the circumstances behind my being. I did not like knowing he was (at least how I perceived him to be) a cheater. He wasn’t someone I wanted anything to do with, we obviously had different values. I now realize, that is not mine to be angry with him about, he did nothing to me. I will never know the circumstances behind his situation at the time of my conception. All I know is, we never had a chance.

So for now, in my version of the story, we would have had a happy ending. He would have wanted to see me grow up, been a part of my life decisions. He would have been at my wedding, he would have consoled me when I divorced. He would have gleamed with pride at his grandsons first day of kindergarten, he would have shown his picture off whenever he had the chance. So for now, in my version of the story, I believe he would have been glad to have me, if he had just been given the chance.

 

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