So now what?

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I got the opportunity to meet my half sister in person. My son and I traveled to Colorado and met her at the halfway point from where she was vacationing. I am glad we were given the opportunity, I am just not sure how I feel about it?

I guess I had conjured up some lifetime movie moment where there would be an instant feeling of connection, hugs, tears, stories shared and memories made. It didn’t go anything like that though? It didn’t go bad, it just wasn’t what I had it cracked up to be. I did not leave there thinking to myself I wonder when I will see her again and I didn’t leave there thinking to myself I hope I never see her again either. I really left there feeling nothing?

I have just wanted all of my life to feel like I was connected to someone or “belonged” and thought that meeting her would give me that sense, but it didn’t. I don’t know, maybe it’s because all of my life I have wanted to feel what it would be like to be face to face with my birth mother or father, and that will never happen because they are both gone. I guess I feel let down maybe?

I was hopeful I would lay eyes on her and instantly feel like I knew where I came from. Yet, I saw no resemblance. I wanted to experience that “bond” people talk about with their siblings, I got nothing. I do realize things take time, but I think I am so guarded and have built such a protective wall for no one to get in because of my fear of abandonment, I have made it to where I am not able to get out either.

I have written before that she is not willing to tell my remaining family about me because of her concerns that our uncle will pass judgement on our mother for having had me. She did not tell me stories about family members or say to me you sure do remind me of “so and so”. She gave me nothing! She gave me no feeling of open arms or welcome to the family. She even let me know she had not told her partner (who does not believe we are half-siblings or the DNA test that confirmed it) that she was driving to meet me. And if you will remember, I have also found my two half-brothers from my father, (or at least the wife of one, which I believe has hidden my existence from them even though she says she hasn’t) and have had no response from either of them.

I guess through all of this, I have actually just compounded the rejection and abandonment issues I have felt and tried to deal with all of my life. I have actually made it worse on myself because now all I am left to wonder is … so now what?

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