I know everyone wants to believe that adoption is a win-win, but it’s not! Believing that it is dismisses an Adoptees’ (sometimes lifelong) feelings of unexplained confusion, loss and grief and the complexities that adoption can bring. The battle within that you were not wanted, discarded and abandoned from day one is deep and wounding.
I can’t explain it and I don’t expect anyone to understand my feelings and fears, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there and real. I feel angry at times when I fill with doubts about the relationship I am in with the man of my dreams. Doubts that we will live happily ever after. I mean come on, that means he stays, that he doesn’t toss me aside, that he actually wants me around! He’s done nothing wrong, I am not unhappy by any means. I don’t know why these thoughts come up, they haunt me at times. The overwhelming fear and assumption that everyone will leave me can be both debilitating and consuming. I mean if my own mother didn’t want me, who would?
Yes, I dwell on this! Yes, I am hurting inside! Yes, I struggle with it consciously, sub-consciously, deep down within and sometimes right on-top of the surface! Sometimes, I don’t even realize it is probably the basis of whatever I might be battling at the time. All I can do is try my best to work through it and not sabotage my happiness. But let me tell you, the struggle is REAL….